Lost

Lately I feel like I'm living in a snow globe and some little kid keeps picking my world up and shaking it.

December has been a crazy month. The cat I've had for 17 years got sick and I had to have her put down the day before my birthday. My house is crowded. I have no privacy yet I feel super alone lately. But I have some great friends. Like Mia, she's been there a lot for me lately. And I thank her everyday.

But as this year is about to end. I'm really hoping for something or someone new for next year. I need a change. I just want to be happy. Want things to go smoothly. And someone to get Davy out of my mind.

I have a lot more to blog about so I'll be back tomorrow when I'm rested.

My letters part one....

I'm going to start a series of letters, either to friends, family or just in general. This is going to be my friend one. And who better to start with than Davy....

Dear Davy,

You're my number one. I always know I can go to you for anything. If I have guy problems, family problems, or just feel like I'm ready to lose it all. I know you're there. Over the past 11 years I don't know what I would've done without you. I said the first time we talked that we'd be friends forever. Even though you thought I was crazy here we are. For a long time I thought you and I would be together. Called you my prince. Then for a while that all stopped because you were with someone else. And you were happy. Which is what I want for you is to be happy. So I got the thought of us being together out of my head. We've became even closer. Especially recently. I've said by your side through your breakup. I've watched you fall and break and I help you pick up the pieces and we put them back together even though it takes a long time. What friends do. You know I've had terrible luck with dating especially recently with jerks. And you help me get over it all. Still I kept the thoughts of us being more out of my head. However recently you've been having me think about it all again. You tell me you love me. You say lets just stop all these and be together so we don't get hurt anymore. You ask me to move to Louisville with you. I want to but I'm afraid for so many reasons. But the thing is you have a girlfriend (new girl). Who I don't think you should be with because of your ex. But its your choice I can't make those for you. My thing is though, you seem to get mad if I talk about hanging out with another guy. Why? We're not together and you're seeing someone else. Yet you get so protective over me. As though I'm supposed to wait forever for something that may never happen. The past few days though you've been clouding up my mind. Stop it. I listen to a song think of you. I read a book and think of you. I go to bed and dream about you. I love you. But I want to go back a little bit to where I didn't want to be with you. Its better that way. You need to stop messing with my head. Even if its how you really feel.

I love you. I need you. And I miss you.

Sunday at Tiffany's

James Patterson is my favorite Author and well if you know anything about him you know he normally writes thriller type books. He only has a few love story ones. Actually only three. So I bought Sunday at Tiffany's the other weekend and finished the book in a couple days (I could've read it in one sitting if only I had the time). But of course it ended up being a great book. Don't think I've read one by him yet that has disappointed me.

Stand by me...

After watching The Hill's tonight it made me think about some things. I know its a stupid show well not really. I like it. But Lauren almost another one of her best friends but they were able to talk things out and didn't give up. Made me think. I miss my best friend. She has always been my other half. However we barely talk anymore. Well more like we never talk anymore. Sometimes I send her a message on myspace to see how she is doing but I feel like she doesn't want to talk. Not really sure why. A couple years ago I basically lived with her but for some reason I don't even remember why we started having problems. She was mad at me for some reason. Probably something stupid. Anyways things haven't been the same since. Even my last couple birthdays. Before we used to spend every birthday together. Last year she didn't even call me. Instead a few days later I logged onto my yahoo messenger and had an offline message from her saying happy birthday. It had really upset me. I just wanted a call. So this last birthday I think I just sent her something on myspace to her. First birthday I didn't go spend with her. But I see she went out with her sister and 2 of her other friends. She never invited me. I've known her since I was 5. I stood up in her sisters wedding last September. Its just all bothering me right now. I miss her family. I know she has a new niece on the way. Her family was my family. But what do I do? Is there even anything I can do? Do I send her a message and just say I miss you? A couple years ago she went away with her family to Honduras so I house sat for her. She was gone for a I think 2 weeks. And so I wouldn't feel alone what she did before she left was wrote a letter for each day she was gone and would hide it somewhere and leave a hint in the current letter. I would look forward to reading my letter every morning. :(. I think I'm making myself a little more sad right now. I actually just feel like crying. I've needed her a lot lately. She wasn't around when my mom got sick. I wanted her to be. Her mom got sick right after that too. Do I try and reach out? What if she just doesn't want to be my friend anymore? Should I be asking her these questions?

Clouded Mind...

Recently I was asked by a guy friend what I was looking for in a guy. So I began to really think what am I looking for? What do I want? Besides all the common things like a nice guy, respectful, funny, charming, playful, etc. All the common things you say to that question. But what I really want besides all that is someone that can just break my shell. What I mean by that is I'm such a reserved person. I hold in a lot especially around someone I like. I want someone who makes me feel at ease. Someone new. A fresh face. Someone who doesn't play stupid childish games. Someone who could bring out a different side of me. So I can stop holding back. So I just have fun with everything. I recently watched this movie sorry I forgot the name, but it was about a guy who recently got dumped and started not being able to sleep. Before I go telling you the whole movie I'll just shorten it up. After going through insomnia he started to freeze time, kinda like daydreaming. Or maybe since he wasn't sleeping time went a lot slower than normal. Anyways he called it freezing time what he did and he ended up finding this girl and he knew she was special and he just thought if he could stop time and bring her to his world she'd understand. I'm the type of person who reads into things probably more than needed. Anyways the way I took this movie is he made it so that nothing else mattered but the two of them. It was pretty amazing. I want that. I want someone I can stop time with. Someone I can let into my world completely. I'm really beginning to wonder if I'll find this. I'm almost 27. Haven't come close to that. But I believe I'll know it when I have it. Stupid as that sounds.

I don't know I'm just really starting to feel alone. I mean I do have my friends that are great and I love and can talk to them about everything and anything. But I don't have that "love". It seems to be bothering me tonight. And I always hear how great I am and my friends and family don't understand why I'm still single. Hmm maybe because people like BC & one before him throw me off track. I need to meet new guys. Just no idea where. I mean seriously not in a bar or anything. Guess Rose and I will be hitting up the book store.

Breathing...

Is really just overrated. Lol okay maybe not but thats what I'm telling myself till I go to the doctor on the 11th. The past few months I've been miserable. My allergies have gotten so much worst. When it hits the afternoon I can no longer breathe out of my nose and it just gets worst as the day goes on. You can only imagine how it is to sleep like that. So needless to say I haven't been getting much sleep either. Which has been making me moody lately. Just not my usual self. I can't wait for my appt. I can't wait for a solution. Just remove my nose. Its not stuffed or anything just swollen. Then my cheeks and eyes start hurting really bad. Its wonderful. 2 more weeks. Yay.

Goodbye Comcast...

When I got home after work yesterday I've decided to contact Comcast once again to find out when they would finally come finish what they started. They told me I would now have to wait till 9/2/08. To me that is just crazy especially since this would be my 4th scheduled appointment with them. This of course pissed me off even more. So I decided to call AT&T. I asked them about their offers and found out they now have this cable internet called uverse which is half the price I'm paying for Comcast and it would cover all 3 computers in my house. Of course I ordered it and guess when they are coming out to install it for me, this Thursday. And I'm sure they will be there. Which gave me the pleasure to call Comcast and cancel my service through them. I felt bad for the guy who had to deal with me since by this time I'm beyond pissed off with their customer service. He tried offering me free months. Ha for a connection I don't have? No thank you I gave them their chance. So when I asked him when they would come and remove the mess they left at my house they said they'd be there this weekend. Oh wow really? To clean up the crap you left behind you can be here sooner but when I needed my line still repaired you couldn't come out till next week? I will never be a Comcast customer again after this. But my problem will soon be fixed. We also decided to switch to the uverse tv too. Which right now we have direct tv. So we'll have everything all together, phone, internet & tv. Better deal and we're saving at least $100/month. Can't beat that. Should've called them a lot sooner.

I hate you...

Comcast.

So my internet has been down since the August 4th storm. I've been waiting for comcast to repair the line and since it was ripped down I decided to move my computer downstairs since I've been wanting to do this and figured since they had to come out to fix the line. So last Thursday the guy came out while my mom was home and surprisingly his drill kept dying so he was unable to finish the job. Yup left the wires hanging along the side of the house and hanging from the pole in the back yard. Which is driving my crazy. Well the guy told my mom he'd be back Friday to finish. I called her from work to find out if it was up and running and she told me they never showed up. I told her then that I'd call after work. But she decided to call for me and they told her they wouldn't be able to get to it till the 31st. Are you serious? So I have to look at wires hanging from the side of my house till then. Okay not only that but I moved the computer to my room and I have a corner desk and since he needs to drill I have the desk in the middle of my room. Very annoying. I just want it done already. So Friday when I got home I did there online chat thing and was kinda bitchy to the lady I was talking to. But I have a right to be. She then told me they would get someone out sooner to complete the job they started. So she said Sunday from 8am to 12pm someone would come there. Guess what. No one did. Not even a freaking phone call. So what do I have to do call them once again and this time I'm going to be a mega bitch. Because this will make 4 days that I have to make sure someone is at the house for at least 4 hours. Now thats not really a big deal since my mom is still out of work but its not the point. They don't know that. Assholes I tell you. I'm really close to finding another internet provider.

Sorry just needed to vent a little.

Dear BC...

I just have to say something. I'm deleting your number so you won't get anymore texts from me because you've made it obvious that we're done being friends. Also I really am shocked because I didn't think you were bascially a jerk I always thought you were the nice guy. And the sad this is we weren't dating or anything but I did consider us good friends and I liked you. But it is kinda my fault I should've stopped talking to you that night you blew me off then I wouldn't have wasted so much of my time and wouldn't have thought of the possibilty of us ever being more than friends but I knew that wasn't going to happen just enjoyed hanging out with you. I'm just kinda disappointed that this ruined the so called friendship we had. That and how you completely threw me off. But its ok now lesson learned.

Word of advice go back to being the nice guy.

And that is what I sent him today in reply to some stupid message he sent me on myspace that didn't make sense. But seriously I just wasted too much of my time. Like I said its sad to lose a 12 year friendship but life goes on. I'm way to old to play any games.

Optimistic Part 2

This year has been pretty interesting. A lot better so far than last year. Is that sad? But you know after everything I'm very hopeful. I mean things could've ended up a lot worst. So today I'm looking at things with my glass half full. I mean lets talk about my mom's stroke a couple months ago. Things could've been so much worst instead the stroke only effected her eyesight, but she's not completely blind. And she's learning to scan the room better and well getting used to it. Making up for what she's can't see. Which is great. She does have periods where she gets depressed. This is very hard to see because I don't know what to do. I mean I try and think about what if I wasn't able to work and not drive. I mean you have to rely completely on everyone else. And my mother has never been that kinda person. I just try and be there for her as much as I can and help her out.

Now today was actually a pretty good day. I can finally just be done with BC. All because he posted a blog I was able to read. And finally answered the questions I've been asking myself. Normally this would upset someone or make them angry but nope not me, makes me happy. I mean it takes away my confusion. Why wouldn't that make me happy. Instead of asking myself what if? Don't need to anymore. And I've been thinking how I've been wanting a relationship. I don't know so much anymore. I mean I haven't had the best of luck when it comes to guys. Guys that end up "falling" for me, I don't fall for. Guys I end up actually thinking I might really like them doesn't work out. Doesn't even go anywhere. But I'm beginning to think that I wasn't really that into them. I think I need to stop seeing people and just work on myself. There's some things I need to take care of for me. Like my number one is my health. I refuse to get super sick again. So yeah I have my doctors appt coming up and me and my doc are going to come up with a plan. We're going to fix me. Lmao. Plus I think if I'm going to start seeing someone its going to be someone new. Not anyone from the past or that I've been friends with. A fresh start. I do however have a couple people who are interested in me. But one is too young. Other one I dated a long time ago. And one is a great friend that I wouldn't not want to ruin what we have. I rely on him way too much. Then there's probably the guy I should've started dating a while ago, the doctor. But I have too many reasons why I haven't dated him. Distance is one. He lives out by Rockford. Too far but he's a great guy. I've been going to him for a lot until he found out about BC then he was kinda upset with me. So yes I will be taking a break. Working on myself and keep me happy and drama free. And done with all the games guys play.

But for now I'm going to go watch the Hills :).

Optimistic

After going along with my gut feeling I can't help but to feel sad. It seems anytime I really start to like someone and want to take things to another level it doesn't work. Every time. I feel like I'm destined to be single. But in reality it'll only take that one person to change things for me. And thats all I need. Damn that one person and where ever he is hiding. I'm really getting tired of the whole single life. Want someone I can go and do things with, like take a vacation. I do have great friends that keep me occupied but that only helps so much. Maybe I just need to put myself out there more. But my thing is where does one go to meet new guys? I mean normal guys. Ones that don't drink a lot and aren't immature and stupid. I'm a very simple kinda gal. I mean little things make me happy. I'm not looking for someone to come into my life and take care of me. I take care of myself. I have my own job and make my own money. Don't ask anyone to buy me anything. If there is something I really want I will get it without the help of anyone else. That makes me independent. That should be a plus. I just want someone I can lean on. Open myself up to which I never do. I'm ready to do that with the right person of course. And when I feel comfortable. Which is something I told BC and he told me that I should feel comfortable. :(. I did too. When I was with him things were great. But thats when I was next to him. When we weren't around each other. We'd just text. Which was fine. But I haven't heard from him in a couple days. Sucks. But I can't let it get me down. Just I find myself thinking about the last time I saw him. How it didn't seem like he didn't care or didn't want to be with me. Every time I spent with him I never felt like that. I felt needed. Comfortable. Relaxed. Happy. Couldn't get me to stop smiling. Ugh why its bothering me. Like its eating away at me. I did a terrible job at guarding myself this time. Stupid Gayle.

Hard Working Machine...

A few months ago I started working at the job I'd left 2 years prior. And I have to admit after working at another place for a couple years I'm thankful to be back. Where I'm at now is so much different. I'm always busy which I like. And I use my brain. Its the kinda job that has you always thinking and its nice. Where my other job was more like clockwork. No brain power necessary. So I'd be able to finish things really quickly. The other thing is they really appreciate you at my job. And tell me all the time how I do such a great job. Its really nice hearing that because its the truth. I'm a hard worker. Always have been I get that from my mom. Why I don't mind getting up and going there. Yeah sometimes I might complain but over all I'm happy with what I do.

However sometimes my cell mate (lady I share an office with) drives me crazy. When I first came back there I heard so many stories about her. But I'm the type of person who judges for myself. And I like her. She's easy to talk to but is annoying a lot of times. We're opposite. I'm always cold and she is always hot. So she loves to turn the fan on, which not only makes me colder but has the paperwork on my desk go everywhere. Which annoys me more than being cold. But then there's the fact she talks to herself all day long. Sometimes when she talks to me I don't even know it because I figure she's talking to herself. Yeah I'm not joking. But then she groans and makes buzzing sounds at the computer. Very strange lady. I find out the longer I share an office with her the more annoyed I've been getting. But I believe thats because my sleeping habits suck completely. So I'm going into work not really rested. But I don't say anything I put on a smile and try and be happy. Not a crabby kinda person.

2-0 or 0-2

I've decided my gut feeling is right. Pretty bummed about it, but maybe one day I'll be proven wrong. As for this year I'm losing 2-0 or 0-2 whichever way its supposed to go. All I can do is hold my head up and move on. I'm actually pretty good at doing that. Don't know how good that actually is though. But I'm not one to chase, especially if I'm in the same place I started over a month ago.

I'll take another loss. And just continue waiting but not lose faith. One day.

Just single life is getting a little old for me right now. I'm ready.

Gut Feelings....

And so the story continues with "BC". Last night was the first night I've gotten to see him in over a week. Because of our opposite schedules and he went out of town for a few days. So I was really excited to see him even though we got hit by a tornado and there was a lot of trees down by my house and more storms to come I still went over by him. One reason is because I hardly get to see him and I was really missing him. But here's the thing him and his roommate drove back together and it was supposed to be a 6 hour trip. We had been texting the whole time pretty much except when I took a nap. Then I was woken up by the tornado and freaked out. He was still driving so I was a little worried he'd get hit by a storm but he said it wasn't bad. Which I was happy to hear. Anyways after the storm and our power was out I didn't have much power left on my cell phone so my mom and I went to sit in my car and listen to the radio and charge our phones. When things seemed a bit quiet we decided to go for a ride and maybe see if any stores where open. Luckily Jewel was and we were able to go there. All during this time I was texting BC too. I told him when he got home to let me know if he had electricity so I could charge my phone and camera. Then I send him another message saying I was going to see if I could even get through on the road I take to his house. Well after I sent that message he told me he had just got home. But I wasn't planning on going there right then just wanted to see if the main road would even let me get by. It did. So I sent him a text telling him I wouldn't be there for at least another hour. Which was fine by him. When I got there I was so excited to see him and vice versa. So when we were in his house I asked if his roommate was already asleep and then he tells me he has been asleep since 10pm. Which was kinda weird considering they got home at 11:30pm. So why lie? I know its not a huge lie or something but still. We're not dating or in a relationship right now. It has me really confused almost as though he's hiding something. I mean if he had gotten home at 10 that would've been fine I didn't plan on seeing him as soon as he got home because I knew he was gone for 4 days and probably wanted to do some things. Its just kinda weird and has me really thinking about things now. I just think I'm going to back off and stick with my gut feeling. I mean it really sucks because I really am seeming to like him a lot. But if its going to protect me from heartbreak later on I'm better off just stopping while I'm ahead. I didn't say anything to him. I know since he didn't have power he couldn't charge his phone either and not sure if he'd be able to at work. But I didn't even attempt to send him any messages. I'll just wait and if he sends me one then I'll respond with caution. Maybe its just me over thinking things too but when I told my friend about it she was shocked. Sucks. Beginning to wonder if there is a such thing as happiness. Finding a guy who doesn't play games or someone who is just up front. Because thats how I am.

And normally I'm dead on with my gut feelings.

Wants

Okay lately I've been wanting another tattoo really bad for some reason. Well I've decided I want to get one on my foot. So I've been looking up and found something close to what I want to get. My mom is actually going to draw the tattoo though for me. But here is what I kinda want to get:

The Dark Knight

So last night I went to see The Dark Knight with my bia Rose & Elvi. It was a great movie. I didn't mind getting out of there at 2:45am. Even though when we were leaving and walking to my car it was completely dark out and only 2 other cars in the parking lot which was kinda creepy. But I definitely want to see that movie again. Was worth it.

The BC

After ignoring any possible warning signs I've been continuing to hang out with well we'll just call him BC. Heh. Inside joke with my family. I don't want to give out any names. Anyways, I like how things are with him. I mean I do wish I could see him more but we are on opposite schedules so that makes things a little bit harder. But when I do see him its great. I just really enjoy the time spent with him even if I do lose sleep over it. However lately I find myself taking another look at things. Last weekend I was texting him and just trying to see where this is going or where I stand. Or just how to accept things. I know I don't want to jump into anything really serious right now without spending more time with him. So I asked if he saw it going anywhere in the future. He said he sees that a definite possibility. Which is a good thing. Because thats what I was hoping for. Thing is though I've been labeled "single" for a long time now. Going to be really strange when I'm actually in a relationship. Ha I don't know how to act. I don't know I just think too much sometimes. And need to stop and just enjoy the moment. But as of right now I miss him :). I like when I'm with him, laying next to him listening to Elvis. Makes me smile and be happy.

I need peace and understanding...

Over all I think I have a good handle on things in my life. The things I can control that is. As for the things I can't, well I just need to accept them as they are and hope for the best.

Tonight I find myself upset with my mother. For a few reasons. One I find myself upset with her because of her health. Ever since her stroke a couple months ago she has me always worrying about her. Especially since her diabetes have been out of control. And saying that its out of control is a complete understatement. She's still young and I don't want to lose her anytime soon. So I hope things start getting better sooner than later. Second reason I'm upset with her, because well she can be just blame stupid when it comes to men. (A reason why I believe I'm so damn guarded) There's this guy she was dating for a while. I can't even begin to tell you what kinda guy he his. If you met him you would think to yourself, why in the word is this lady with him. She sells herself short when it comes to men. But its not even that I just think she needs to concentrate on her health right now and getting better than some asshole. Who will just end up causing more stress in her life. But I'm only the daughter. I have no say. I think there was a third reason somewhere too but the second one clogs up my mind too much.

Warning Signs...

So recently I started hanging out with someone I've been friends with for a really long time. Just we didn't see each other for a while. And he ended up living less than 5 minutes from me. Well after texting for a little while I was excited about hanging out with him. We'd always had fun when we were younger. So anyways I saw him the other weekend. I went over by his house to hang out. Well I ended up staying up all night with him till it was time for me to go to work. And it was great. It felt so nice talking and just being how we used to be. I guess I can go into details hoping not to many people I know will read this. I don't really like sharing my business. Anyways so we were in his room hanging out laying on his bed listening to Elvis. We weren't laying close to each other but I found him trying to make little moves. Like his foot touching mine. Or him slowly moving a little bit closer to the side of the bed I was laying on. And me being who I am, I'm not really shy. So I made a move by laying closer to him, well cuddling with him. And it was nice we just laid there talking and joking. And he was rubbing my back and what not. I just felt safe. So I knew he was shy and I made a move and kissed him. Which ended up surprising him. He told me he wasn't going to make a move because I shot him down 12 years ago. I told him that if I didn't shoot him down 12 years ago we couldn't have something now. Anyways it was pretty much a gay moment. Anyways over all it was a great night. I didn't mind that I got no sleep and had to go into work. To me it was worth it.

So after that during the week we would non stop text each other. And he'd say really nice and sweet things. To be honest I got my hopes up. But still was holding back. Now normally I keep to myself don't tell my family shit. But my family met him before so I told them I hung out with him and they knew I was texting all the time. Well my mom being who she is wanted him to come over and make him dinner. I didn't want this because we were friends. I felt as though they were making a big deal out of everything like they always do. Kept telling them we're not together we just hung out for the first time in forever it would be weird to ask him for dinner. But I was telling him all this over text telling him how my family was crazy and what not. He kept telling me how he thought it was cute. Hmm cute? So that means you'd be up for it? Thats what I was thinking. So I told him when do I get to see you again. And he said his next day off was Friday. And thats when I asked if he wanted to come over and he said yeah that he would. I then told my mom and she decided she was going to make dinner. And so I would text him asking his favorite food and desert and he answered these questions too. Well Friday comes along and I talked to him before I left work making sure he was still coming over at 7pm he said yes he was. So when I got home here's my mom making a great dinner and made him peach cobbler and home made apple pie. But what happens 7 rolls around and I hear nothing. So I didn't want to jump to conclusions and sent him a texting asking if he remembered where I lived. Didn't hear back. So then I sent another text don't remember what it was. Probably making sure he was still coming. Nothing again. So I'm like let me call, call ignored and I got voicemail. At this time my heart is racing and I'm sitting there upset and thinking to myself why? And how am I going to walk in the kitchen and tell my mom she made all that for nothing. Of course my mother was very pissed off. I understand that. She spent all this time making something for someone who wasn't going to show up to begin with. Needless to say I was beyond disappointed. Here's a guy I've known for 12 years. I was confused didn't understand. I gave him chances to back out. Or if it was too much he could've just said something I wouldn't have cared. But he said cute when I told him my mom wanted to make dinner. I was just sad. Disappointed. Confused. Embarrassed. Thats when I decided to just forget things and go to bed. Then I get a text message (not sure what time) and who is it, him. Saying sorry and how he was shy and chickened out, froze, etc. Telling me he'd understood if I hate him. Thing is I didn't hate him. I was more upset the fact he just couldn't simply tell me, I'm not going to make it. Anyways after texting for a little while he said he wanted to see me. And I was sad and just wanted to see him. So I went by him. And stayed there till almost 3pm the next day. Well till he had to go to work. I got home at 3. And it was nice seeing him. Sleeping in his arms. Joking with him. I felt safe once again. Thought maybe just maybe.

That was Saturday. Its Thursday now. And I'm not thinking maybe anymore. Instead, once again I'm confused. Lost. Don't understand what it was all about. Was it a game? Why would you tell someone you've wanted them for 12 years and when you actually have a chance with them you don't want it anymore? But you give them false hope? I didn't talk to him for 2 days until today I gave in and texted him. We just joked around. Nothing much really. But here I am wanting to see him again but I don't think thats going to happen. I don't think he's interested. Normally if I'm not interested in a guy I don't ask him to come over then have them stay the night and cuddle and what not. I don't. So here I am confused. There's a song that comes to my mind. I think I'm just chasing pavements. I wish I knew what he was thinking or just something. I don't want to ruin a friendship.

Shed a little light...

I guess I should explain the title of my blog, The Guarded One. Thats me alright. Over the years I have built these walls of steel to protect myself from what I see other people go through in relationships. Not saying I don't give it my all because believe me I do. Its just I don't let guys into my heart completely. Always assuming they will end up hurting me one way or another. I know this isn't the right way to be. And I'm willing to let my guards down. Only problem is finding a freaking guy I will do this for. Lately I haven't been having the best of luck. Starting to wonder if I ever will.

A Start

And so it has started once again...

Time for a new blog... a new beginning...

Something fresh. I haven't been on blogger in a very long time. I'm due. I found it a lot easier to just write about things get them off my chest when it was needed. I would use my myspace one but then that would leave everyone and their mother to read my blog. Not sure if I want that so much. I mean I'm pretty much an open book but not everyone needs to know everything. Plus its not like I'm going to write about anything really that interesting. Just what goes on in my head and my world. Let the games begin....