Done

Of course being done has to do with Davy. It's time to put it all behind me, seriously. He has made it obvious that he only thinks about himself. Normally we talk every day all day, okay maybe not all day but we do text a lot. But here is why I'm upset and believes he only thinks about himself. Friday we texted mainly all morning and afternoon but I knew something was bothering him. He's the type who normally won't tell you whats wrong. He likes to keep it all bottled in. So I kinda just let him be. Meanwhile I had gone to the casino for dinner and my cell phone doesn't work there so I don't get any messages till I leave. He had sent me some text for a google application when I asked him why he never responded. That was it. I didn't hear from him till today and that was after I sent him a message telling him I was done. He had me worried. I know I might sound crazy but its weird when he doesn't message me. And I knew he was driving home yesterday. From Chicago to St. Louis and he always lets me know when he gets home. But I didn't hear anything. So I was seriously worried thinking maybe he got in an accident or something. I even sent him a message Friday night asking him to let me know he was okay. Well today finally around 1pm he tells me he was at the baseball game and happy Easter. That was it. Am I crazy for being upset? I couldn't really sleep last night because I was thinking what if something seriously happened to him. How would I know? It kept me from really even sleeping because I was thinking about these things. So this morning I decided to call his phone just to see if it even on. I figured if his cell is turned on then he's okay if not then I knew it'd worry me. It was turned on so I hung up right away. Then later got that message. Now I'm just bothered about the whole thing. He only thinks about himself. Doesn't think maybe I should let her know I'm home. Oh well like I said I'm done. Sick of it all.

It's been a while....

So it's been ages since I've last posted. I mean here we are already in April 2009 and I haven't posted once this year. An update is necessary. And some major things have happened...

For example, I'm no longer employed. Right now it does suck and I hate not working. However I don't think being laid off was such a terrible thing. I was extremely stressed, unhappy and just plain miserable at work. Traffic didn't help. I really started regretting going back there around December. Foolish me, if I would've never left my last job to go back to them I'd still be working right now. But I can't dwell on that, simply because I wasn't happy at that job either. It wasn't changeling enough for me. I do miss working though. I miss the people who became more like family. Finding a job is a nightmare. Nothing is really out there. I've been searching on these job sites and a lot of them are so discouraging. I mean its hard to tell which jobs are actually legit. (so after typing that word I started singing 2 legit 2 quit, lmao). But to be honest I really have to start trying harder because I will admit that I haven't been putting as much effort into this whole job search like I should be doing. Its hard though, starting someplace new. I was set that when I went back to my old job (one I recently got laid off at) that I would stay there forever. I mean I was great there. I knew how everything worked and I knew how to make things easier and more efficient, I actually got to use my brain and come up with ideas. Okay maybe going into detail and thinking about this more is not the best idea.

Lately though I have not been my bubbly self. I think it has to do with the last few months have just kind of been really shitty. Not terrible I mean I'm alive healthy and breathing. Just it's weird not having a reason to set an alarm. Therefor my new bedtime is normally around 4am. Maybe its the fact I'm stuck with my mom who is still on disability all the time. Or that I'm worried about this whole job thing. I mean unemployment only lasts so long. Watching the news does not help either. I saw something the other day about jobs not going up till 2010. There is no way that I wouldn't be able to work until 2010. I would absolutely lost my mind. There are things I want to do. I'm an adult now. Or how I also saw on the news about this guy who was well qualified and applying for a construction clean up job, he said that he met other applicants there who has master degrees. I'm really hopeful for Obama. I mean so far he's trying to put everything back together. But I'm going to try and stay as positive as I can about everything. I think I'm going to do some volunteering to take up some of my thinking time.

Lost

Lately I feel like I'm living in a snow globe and some little kid keeps picking my world up and shaking it.

December has been a crazy month. The cat I've had for 17 years got sick and I had to have her put down the day before my birthday. My house is crowded. I have no privacy yet I feel super alone lately. But I have some great friends. Like Mia, she's been there a lot for me lately. And I thank her everyday.

But as this year is about to end. I'm really hoping for something or someone new for next year. I need a change. I just want to be happy. Want things to go smoothly. And someone to get Davy out of my mind.

I have a lot more to blog about so I'll be back tomorrow when I'm rested.

My letters part one....

I'm going to start a series of letters, either to friends, family or just in general. This is going to be my friend one. And who better to start with than Davy....

Dear Davy,

You're my number one. I always know I can go to you for anything. If I have guy problems, family problems, or just feel like I'm ready to lose it all. I know you're there. Over the past 11 years I don't know what I would've done without you. I said the first time we talked that we'd be friends forever. Even though you thought I was crazy here we are. For a long time I thought you and I would be together. Called you my prince. Then for a while that all stopped because you were with someone else. And you were happy. Which is what I want for you is to be happy. So I got the thought of us being together out of my head. We've became even closer. Especially recently. I've said by your side through your breakup. I've watched you fall and break and I help you pick up the pieces and we put them back together even though it takes a long time. What friends do. You know I've had terrible luck with dating especially recently with jerks. And you help me get over it all. Still I kept the thoughts of us being more out of my head. However recently you've been having me think about it all again. You tell me you love me. You say lets just stop all these and be together so we don't get hurt anymore. You ask me to move to Louisville with you. I want to but I'm afraid for so many reasons. But the thing is you have a girlfriend (new girl). Who I don't think you should be with because of your ex. But its your choice I can't make those for you. My thing is though, you seem to get mad if I talk about hanging out with another guy. Why? We're not together and you're seeing someone else. Yet you get so protective over me. As though I'm supposed to wait forever for something that may never happen. The past few days though you've been clouding up my mind. Stop it. I listen to a song think of you. I read a book and think of you. I go to bed and dream about you. I love you. But I want to go back a little bit to where I didn't want to be with you. Its better that way. You need to stop messing with my head. Even if its how you really feel.

I love you. I need you. And I miss you.

Sunday at Tiffany's

James Patterson is my favorite Author and well if you know anything about him you know he normally writes thriller type books. He only has a few love story ones. Actually only three. So I bought Sunday at Tiffany's the other weekend and finished the book in a couple days (I could've read it in one sitting if only I had the time). But of course it ended up being a great book. Don't think I've read one by him yet that has disappointed me.

Stand by me...

After watching The Hill's tonight it made me think about some things. I know its a stupid show well not really. I like it. But Lauren almost another one of her best friends but they were able to talk things out and didn't give up. Made me think. I miss my best friend. She has always been my other half. However we barely talk anymore. Well more like we never talk anymore. Sometimes I send her a message on myspace to see how she is doing but I feel like she doesn't want to talk. Not really sure why. A couple years ago I basically lived with her but for some reason I don't even remember why we started having problems. She was mad at me for some reason. Probably something stupid. Anyways things haven't been the same since. Even my last couple birthdays. Before we used to spend every birthday together. Last year she didn't even call me. Instead a few days later I logged onto my yahoo messenger and had an offline message from her saying happy birthday. It had really upset me. I just wanted a call. So this last birthday I think I just sent her something on myspace to her. First birthday I didn't go spend with her. But I see she went out with her sister and 2 of her other friends. She never invited me. I've known her since I was 5. I stood up in her sisters wedding last September. Its just all bothering me right now. I miss her family. I know she has a new niece on the way. Her family was my family. But what do I do? Is there even anything I can do? Do I send her a message and just say I miss you? A couple years ago she went away with her family to Honduras so I house sat for her. She was gone for a I think 2 weeks. And so I wouldn't feel alone what she did before she left was wrote a letter for each day she was gone and would hide it somewhere and leave a hint in the current letter. I would look forward to reading my letter every morning. :(. I think I'm making myself a little more sad right now. I actually just feel like crying. I've needed her a lot lately. She wasn't around when my mom got sick. I wanted her to be. Her mom got sick right after that too. Do I try and reach out? What if she just doesn't want to be my friend anymore? Should I be asking her these questions?

Clouded Mind...

Recently I was asked by a guy friend what I was looking for in a guy. So I began to really think what am I looking for? What do I want? Besides all the common things like a nice guy, respectful, funny, charming, playful, etc. All the common things you say to that question. But what I really want besides all that is someone that can just break my shell. What I mean by that is I'm such a reserved person. I hold in a lot especially around someone I like. I want someone who makes me feel at ease. Someone new. A fresh face. Someone who doesn't play stupid childish games. Someone who could bring out a different side of me. So I can stop holding back. So I just have fun with everything. I recently watched this movie sorry I forgot the name, but it was about a guy who recently got dumped and started not being able to sleep. Before I go telling you the whole movie I'll just shorten it up. After going through insomnia he started to freeze time, kinda like daydreaming. Or maybe since he wasn't sleeping time went a lot slower than normal. Anyways he called it freezing time what he did and he ended up finding this girl and he knew she was special and he just thought if he could stop time and bring her to his world she'd understand. I'm the type of person who reads into things probably more than needed. Anyways the way I took this movie is he made it so that nothing else mattered but the two of them. It was pretty amazing. I want that. I want someone I can stop time with. Someone I can let into my world completely. I'm really beginning to wonder if I'll find this. I'm almost 27. Haven't come close to that. But I believe I'll know it when I have it. Stupid as that sounds.

I don't know I'm just really starting to feel alone. I mean I do have my friends that are great and I love and can talk to them about everything and anything. But I don't have that "love". It seems to be bothering me tonight. And I always hear how great I am and my friends and family don't understand why I'm still single. Hmm maybe because people like BC & one before him throw me off track. I need to meet new guys. Just no idea where. I mean seriously not in a bar or anything. Guess Rose and I will be hitting up the book store.