Wants

Okay lately I've been wanting another tattoo really bad for some reason. Well I've decided I want to get one on my foot. So I've been looking up and found something close to what I want to get. My mom is actually going to draw the tattoo though for me. But here is what I kinda want to get:

The Dark Knight

So last night I went to see The Dark Knight with my bia Rose & Elvi. It was a great movie. I didn't mind getting out of there at 2:45am. Even though when we were leaving and walking to my car it was completely dark out and only 2 other cars in the parking lot which was kinda creepy. But I definitely want to see that movie again. Was worth it.

The BC

After ignoring any possible warning signs I've been continuing to hang out with well we'll just call him BC. Heh. Inside joke with my family. I don't want to give out any names. Anyways, I like how things are with him. I mean I do wish I could see him more but we are on opposite schedules so that makes things a little bit harder. But when I do see him its great. I just really enjoy the time spent with him even if I do lose sleep over it. However lately I find myself taking another look at things. Last weekend I was texting him and just trying to see where this is going or where I stand. Or just how to accept things. I know I don't want to jump into anything really serious right now without spending more time with him. So I asked if he saw it going anywhere in the future. He said he sees that a definite possibility. Which is a good thing. Because thats what I was hoping for. Thing is though I've been labeled "single" for a long time now. Going to be really strange when I'm actually in a relationship. Ha I don't know how to act. I don't know I just think too much sometimes. And need to stop and just enjoy the moment. But as of right now I miss him :). I like when I'm with him, laying next to him listening to Elvis. Makes me smile and be happy.

I need peace and understanding...

Over all I think I have a good handle on things in my life. The things I can control that is. As for the things I can't, well I just need to accept them as they are and hope for the best.

Tonight I find myself upset with my mother. For a few reasons. One I find myself upset with her because of her health. Ever since her stroke a couple months ago she has me always worrying about her. Especially since her diabetes have been out of control. And saying that its out of control is a complete understatement. She's still young and I don't want to lose her anytime soon. So I hope things start getting better sooner than later. Second reason I'm upset with her, because well she can be just blame stupid when it comes to men. (A reason why I believe I'm so damn guarded) There's this guy she was dating for a while. I can't even begin to tell you what kinda guy he his. If you met him you would think to yourself, why in the word is this lady with him. She sells herself short when it comes to men. But its not even that I just think she needs to concentrate on her health right now and getting better than some asshole. Who will just end up causing more stress in her life. But I'm only the daughter. I have no say. I think there was a third reason somewhere too but the second one clogs up my mind too much.

Warning Signs...

So recently I started hanging out with someone I've been friends with for a really long time. Just we didn't see each other for a while. And he ended up living less than 5 minutes from me. Well after texting for a little while I was excited about hanging out with him. We'd always had fun when we were younger. So anyways I saw him the other weekend. I went over by his house to hang out. Well I ended up staying up all night with him till it was time for me to go to work. And it was great. It felt so nice talking and just being how we used to be. I guess I can go into details hoping not to many people I know will read this. I don't really like sharing my business. Anyways so we were in his room hanging out laying on his bed listening to Elvis. We weren't laying close to each other but I found him trying to make little moves. Like his foot touching mine. Or him slowly moving a little bit closer to the side of the bed I was laying on. And me being who I am, I'm not really shy. So I made a move by laying closer to him, well cuddling with him. And it was nice we just laid there talking and joking. And he was rubbing my back and what not. I just felt safe. So I knew he was shy and I made a move and kissed him. Which ended up surprising him. He told me he wasn't going to make a move because I shot him down 12 years ago. I told him that if I didn't shoot him down 12 years ago we couldn't have something now. Anyways it was pretty much a gay moment. Anyways over all it was a great night. I didn't mind that I got no sleep and had to go into work. To me it was worth it.

So after that during the week we would non stop text each other. And he'd say really nice and sweet things. To be honest I got my hopes up. But still was holding back. Now normally I keep to myself don't tell my family shit. But my family met him before so I told them I hung out with him and they knew I was texting all the time. Well my mom being who she is wanted him to come over and make him dinner. I didn't want this because we were friends. I felt as though they were making a big deal out of everything like they always do. Kept telling them we're not together we just hung out for the first time in forever it would be weird to ask him for dinner. But I was telling him all this over text telling him how my family was crazy and what not. He kept telling me how he thought it was cute. Hmm cute? So that means you'd be up for it? Thats what I was thinking. So I told him when do I get to see you again. And he said his next day off was Friday. And thats when I asked if he wanted to come over and he said yeah that he would. I then told my mom and she decided she was going to make dinner. And so I would text him asking his favorite food and desert and he answered these questions too. Well Friday comes along and I talked to him before I left work making sure he was still coming over at 7pm he said yes he was. So when I got home here's my mom making a great dinner and made him peach cobbler and home made apple pie. But what happens 7 rolls around and I hear nothing. So I didn't want to jump to conclusions and sent him a texting asking if he remembered where I lived. Didn't hear back. So then I sent another text don't remember what it was. Probably making sure he was still coming. Nothing again. So I'm like let me call, call ignored and I got voicemail. At this time my heart is racing and I'm sitting there upset and thinking to myself why? And how am I going to walk in the kitchen and tell my mom she made all that for nothing. Of course my mother was very pissed off. I understand that. She spent all this time making something for someone who wasn't going to show up to begin with. Needless to say I was beyond disappointed. Here's a guy I've known for 12 years. I was confused didn't understand. I gave him chances to back out. Or if it was too much he could've just said something I wouldn't have cared. But he said cute when I told him my mom wanted to make dinner. I was just sad. Disappointed. Confused. Embarrassed. Thats when I decided to just forget things and go to bed. Then I get a text message (not sure what time) and who is it, him. Saying sorry and how he was shy and chickened out, froze, etc. Telling me he'd understood if I hate him. Thing is I didn't hate him. I was more upset the fact he just couldn't simply tell me, I'm not going to make it. Anyways after texting for a little while he said he wanted to see me. And I was sad and just wanted to see him. So I went by him. And stayed there till almost 3pm the next day. Well till he had to go to work. I got home at 3. And it was nice seeing him. Sleeping in his arms. Joking with him. I felt safe once again. Thought maybe just maybe.

That was Saturday. Its Thursday now. And I'm not thinking maybe anymore. Instead, once again I'm confused. Lost. Don't understand what it was all about. Was it a game? Why would you tell someone you've wanted them for 12 years and when you actually have a chance with them you don't want it anymore? But you give them false hope? I didn't talk to him for 2 days until today I gave in and texted him. We just joked around. Nothing much really. But here I am wanting to see him again but I don't think thats going to happen. I don't think he's interested. Normally if I'm not interested in a guy I don't ask him to come over then have them stay the night and cuddle and what not. I don't. So here I am confused. There's a song that comes to my mind. I think I'm just chasing pavements. I wish I knew what he was thinking or just something. I don't want to ruin a friendship.

Shed a little light...

I guess I should explain the title of my blog, The Guarded One. Thats me alright. Over the years I have built these walls of steel to protect myself from what I see other people go through in relationships. Not saying I don't give it my all because believe me I do. Its just I don't let guys into my heart completely. Always assuming they will end up hurting me one way or another. I know this isn't the right way to be. And I'm willing to let my guards down. Only problem is finding a freaking guy I will do this for. Lately I haven't been having the best of luck. Starting to wonder if I ever will.

A Start

And so it has started once again...

Time for a new blog... a new beginning...

Something fresh. I haven't been on blogger in a very long time. I'm due. I found it a lot easier to just write about things get them off my chest when it was needed. I would use my myspace one but then that would leave everyone and their mother to read my blog. Not sure if I want that so much. I mean I'm pretty much an open book but not everyone needs to know everything. Plus its not like I'm going to write about anything really that interesting. Just what goes on in my head and my world. Let the games begin....